Indescribable sense of Unjustafiable loss

This is part of a letter that I wrote to a friend a few months back who lost his mother tragically. It was the first time I was able to put to words some of my own thoughts and feelings of the past few years after my father passed away:

".....I'm sorry I didn't respond earlier and I'm even more sorry for not having been more persistent about checking up on you when I heard your mother had passed away. The reality was that I had gone into my own cocoon of sorts. That's not a valid excuse though. I should have been there as a friend.

It truly pains and upsets me to read this and to realize the pain you've been through and the burden you've had to carry the past few months. Finding out my dad passed away and the months/year that followed have been the worst time of my life and yet that still pales in comparison to what you went/are going through. But I relate to the bad dreams of specific moments, the painfully fake exchange of pleasantries when truly that has never seemed more trivial. I want to say it gets better but we both know that it isn't that easy. You don't grow out of/forget/go back to how things were. Family seems incomplete, the house seems emptier, life seems a little less meaningful. And more than feeling sad you just feel indifferent and apathetic. At least that’s how I felt.

As clichéd as it sounds its important you remember your mother for the good/happy times and not the month leading up to when she passed away cause it will only drain you. My dad's passing away was sudden but for a while after all I could think of was how stressed and worn down he looked before he passed away and all the reasons why he was that way. And it still upsets me deeply. So I try to only think of the good times......."

Some of the things I didn't mention in that letter however, were the lucid moments of clarity. Moments when I'm completely and fully aware of the fact that he isn't here anymore and I'm washed with overwhelming feelings of loss, despair, insecurity, guilt, anger and an indescribable sense of unjustifiable loss.
Guilt and regret for not having spent more time at home as I know my dad was most happy when we kids were home, for not having gone home to try to help him with his business, for not having gotten a job earlier so I could have helped alleviate some of that financial stress, for not having insisted that he exercise more/not work as much so that his quality of life in general had been better.
Anger that my dad is not allowed the privilege of seeing Amy and Josh graduate, that Josh was robbed of the right to have his dad put him in university and the fact that he wont be there to see us marry and/or have kids.

But as I said, I try to remember all the good times and all the reasons my father pushed himself, worked as hard and cared as much as he did. And even though he went before his time, I believe he accomplished more and touched more lives than most people that live well into old age. And its that thought that helps me move forward.  

I miss you Pap. You achieved success here because you persevered relentlessly, cared fervently, and loved steadfastly. For that....thank you!!